This does not happen in real life.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this one, devoted years researching in the field – at bars, house parties and most recently, in online dating.
And I’m consistently left with one baffling realization, there aren’t any. Of course I must be wrong. This is a giant metropolis, a city four-million deep – with ten mill in the extended Los Angeles family (if you’re willing to commute for love), weighing in as the most populous county in the United States — surely, there must be some good guys here.
Surely.
But nope.
My friends and I don't have a problem meeting guys — but ones we would want to date? Someone who seems sincere, smart, can banter, that there’s an attraction with?
Not really.
I’m not saying there’s not nice guys, I’m not saying there’s not cute guys, I’m not saying there’s not smart, motivated guys. But all those things wrapped in one package?
This does.
Yeah, no.
Some say its because all the good ones are taken.
Excuse me for saying this but – still nope.
I’m not even meeting tons of taken guys that I think are great catches.
Okay, sure, I meet cool guys from time to time but why is it so dishearteningly rare?
Is LA kryptonite for them?
Or is it because in this city that no one's actually from, it attracts a certain breed of person, the most shallow and arrogant migrate here by the millions in search of fame and fortune. Manifest Destiny for a new kind of gold digger. And while Hollywood is but a small segment of the entire city, it holds a power over everyone inside its borders. It sets a standard for normal, nurtures this delayed adolescence and culture of superficiality – no one wants to grow up and everything unimportant becomes important – success or beauty is valued higher than personality. Older men think they can buy you with the swipe of their credit card and younger men are always looking over your shoulder for what hotter girl might be walking in the door. And why shouldn't they? There's an endless amount of gorgeous women rewarding them for this behavior. With so many options, it can turn even the good guys bad. A pretty girl feels like a dime a dozen. We have so many actresses, models, and naturally or unnaturally beautiful California babes in the health & glamour obsessed capitol of the country, that we have to come up with a whole new grading system for so much hotness. On LA’s sliding scale, 8's are now 7's and 6's are invisible.
My brother lived in Hong Kong a few years ago and he kept telling me I would be a hit if I ever went out there. He knew tons of single, successful American guys who were taking advantage of the great business opportunities available in China but their romantic lives were suffering for it. He repeatedly told me we should start a dating business between my friends who can’t find a good guy in LA and these expats who would love nothing more than to find a pretty and cool American girl to date. But as thankless as this industry is, my friends and I just don't seem to want to leave it
. We keep hoping casino online nl this abusive husband of a city will treat us right one day.
And worse yet, I think I’ve waited so long, I’m now stuck with it. In LA it's pretty normal to be thirty years old and single but when I was traveling in Massachusetts, I was surprised to learn what an anomaly I was. Apparently, while I've been out pub crawling in Santa Monica, the rest of the country has been marrying off. We inadvertently TRAPPED ourselves to only be able to date here (and other late bloomer big cities like NYC). With the average age of women tying the knot at 26 and men at 28, the only single guys left anywhere else are likely to be several years younger, early divorcers or left-overs. So I don't even have a choice, I'm too old to leave. I have to keep weeding through the mob of millions of glazed eyed, too-cool-for-school d-bags in LA to find my guy. Isn't that a heartwarming thought?
My friend, LAURA, recently told me, “I live in LA for work but the dating pool is so shallow. I feel like by choosing to live here, I somehow picked my career over my personal life without even realizing it.”
Another friend of mine realized this fact by the age of 27 and fled LA to try to meet a guy she could marry. Within a week of returning to her hometown in North Carolina, she met a great guy at an engagement party and she's now happily married to him and living in Florida. She loved Southern California, had a lot of friends and a great job here working as a stylist to celebrities but she knew she was never going to find The Guy here. She'd gotten a bit of advice from one of her clients, Jamie Foxx. He once told her, “LA is where you marry your art not a person.”
This might sound a little Doomsday. Obviously, people find love every day in this city – some with marriages that even last. I’m not saying it can’t be done. But damn, after so many years in the trenches, I now understand why people make such a big deal out of weddings – it’s really, really hard to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and when you do, it’s a big deal.
And so we keep putting ourselves out there, even when sometimes we'd just rather give up the search, curl up on the couch and watch “Sex and The City.” Because no matter how many nights turn out to be a total waste of make-up, no matter how many Halloweens and New Years Eves we freeze to death in our insufficiently tiny little outfits and meet no one worth the effort, we never stop hoping for the best.
We never stop hoping that somewhere in these millions of people is ONE right guy. And maybe a few more for our friends.
And if we really are relegated to dating in LA, we better up the search. There must be some good places to find them, right? Some secret place where they all hide out?
Popular theories go that dog parks, South Bay, happy hour, house parties and sports bars are good places to meet good guys. But these places can require a bit of instigation on your part and the truth of the matter is, it’s always a mixed bag. You can go to one of these places and not see a single normal-looking guy that you’re interested in or that’s interested in you. Or, you’ll hit gold and just like that, your search is over. At least for the night.
Statistically speaking, the number one and two places to meet your mate is through WORK and through FRIENDS / FAMILY. So, perhaps it’s time to start dipping the pen in the company ink and / or scouring your friends’ Facebook friends’ for possible prospects. Or just wait for it to happen naturally. Or move to Hong Kong.
Who knows? I just asked the question, I didn’t say I had the answer. When I find my husband, I’ll let you know how I did it.
User Responses
11 Responses and Counting...
09.10.2011
I love you!!! You are brilliant!! This is a fabulous blog!! You have a huge sense of humor…and I get you!
[...] – ZERO. This is what led to my extremely optimistic realization that at my ripening age, I’ve now trapped myself to date and marry in LA. I’m too old for the rest of the country. Happy Hour on the [...]
Your VENN diagram above also holds true for women in LA. Here is my analysis.
Pretty+Smart=Big mouths. Think they know everything. Usually have a blog.
Pretty+Nice=Ding bats or just moved to LA recently
Smart+Nice=Fatty fatty two by four. Usually owns 2+ cats.
Pretty+Nice+Smart=In LA? bppsshh!
You needn’t describe yourself as A Dude. We knew by your use of the words, “Venn Diagram.”
I’ve been scouring your blog and I have to say that this is my absolute favorite post. So spot on and so funny. And come to think of it, my only long-term relationships in LA were with men I brought here from other states/countries . . . now I’m beginning to depress myself.
I’m thinking we should travel more . . . that’s my long term plan anyway.
Very interesting blog. My brother lives in Hong Kong too. I’ve been there myself several times. My brother too sees tons of successful American businessmen go to Hong Kong to take advantage of the booming economy in China, only for most of them to be chewed up and spat out, because, as I experienced, and many can tell you, succeeding at business in China as a foreigner is not the same as succeeding in business in your home country. Still, he tells me though that most American me he knows living in Hong Kong all have great romantic lives. In fact, he said, the only Western men who fail at having fulfilling relationships in Hong Kong are either complete douchebags, total losers, or hardcore white supremacists. And heck, there’s even plenty of white Western women living in Hong Kong. Also, he’s not talking about bottom of the barrel types either like barmaids and waitresses, his peers marry millionaire businesswomen, or women who’s families are multimillionaires.
Thank you for that different perspective, Mr. X. So basically you’re telling me Hong Kong’s not an option either. Fabulous.
Cool blog. I like your writing style. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, but you’ve got to pull the rip cord and get out of Posuer/Doucheville. Also, being 30 in X-ville U.S. isn’t so bad, but 30 is like 45 in L.A. years…..and don’t go to Miami or Vegas, even worse!
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Seeing that most men date and marry younger women, you’re probably dating guys 35-45. Most of these guys are fat, bald, weird, divorced with kids, etc. It’s true, most of the good ones have been snatched up by smart girls when they were “in the zone”. By the zone, I mean young and hot.
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You are in a city with way too many hot chicks. It’s going to be hard to get the best guy at your age in that city. The competition for the high value 35 year old guy is fierce. They are in much higher demand, as there are less of them. Beauty and youth gives a woman high value, and they are everywhere in L.A. A guy needs to be so much more than good looking. He needs wit, intelligence, good income/wealth, confidence, etc., making him more scarce than the young, hot chick.
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Maybe you are too picky. It seems you are based on some of your stories. Thats ok, but as you age, you must lower your standards, as your value has fallen. You can’t still command the same level guy as you did when you were a teenager.
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Hang in there!
I appreciate your perspective. You bring up a lot of the things I discuss in this blog… but man, it sounds a lot harsher coming from you. I’m not too picky, though. I met someone. And also I’m awesome.
I re-read that post, a little harsh. I’ve never been good at beating around the bush. You met someone recently? That means no more blogging?
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Also, you started a sentence with “and”. I was taught never to start one with a conjunction, but writing styles evolve. Is it proper to do so these days?
You’re technically correct for formal writing, like legal briefs or text books. But blogs (as opposed to websites) are intended to be written in a more conversational tone. So conjunction junction, you can start it however you’d like! As long as you’re not typing in all caps, you’re leaps and bounds above most of the internet.