10. If you break up with a guy, he will tell his friends that it was mutual. If he tells them anything at all.
Girls are so different, we tell everyone. It's our chance to wallow in a sea of great despair and Haagen-Dazs. But it's different for a guy, they have to “save face.” Apparently, it's not manly to be dumped. And many guys keep things so close to the vest that they hold off on telling anyone until it's absolutely necessary. I just found out a full year after my breakup that all this time everyone on his side thought he broke up with me. And since I always tried to be sensitive when talking about it with his camp (saying vague things like, “It's tough… who knows what'll happen,”), I was unwittingly supporting his side of the story. He even gave them fake reasons why he broke up with me. Oh well, when you're the dumper, you gotta give him this lie, it's the least you can do.
9. Guys will show naked photos of you to their friends.
“Nooooo, not my boyfriend! He told me he would take those pictures of my vagina to the grave! He pinky-swore!” When I was hanging out with a group of 28-year-old guys recently, they were talking about how they swiped their cute female friend's blackberry when she went to the bathroom and checked all her photos for nudies. And they hit jackpot. Ladies, you know you have at least one scandalicious photo on on your phone and guys know it, too. These guys also revealed that whenever they receive a sexy pic msg from their lady, they're apt to share it with their buddy. Why a guy wants to show other dudes what his woman looks like naked or near naked is beyond me. It's a weird bragging rights thing. I thought this must be because they're still in their twenties. I asked my ex later, who is in his esteemed thirties, and he verified (under an alias of course – he's not allowed to divulge these classified male secrets or the GodFather of Guy Code will come knocking at his door) that he's seen naked photos of every girl his best friend, Jay, has ever dated. My ex warned it's a respect thing, these guys clearly don't respect these girls. So be careful, Exhibitionist Ednas, among a million reasons why you shouldn't de-robe and record it in today's viral world, here's another.
8. Men are scared of women. They are terrified of getting stuck with one who tries to control his life, stops having sex with him and gets fat.
This, I think, is key to understanding many men's fear of getting married. To combat it, you just have to show him that you don't want to become that anymore than he does. And by the way, women are just as terrified of getting stuck with a man who tries to control her life, starts having sex with other women and gets fat.
7. While guys may not keep as many friends as we ladies do, they are fiercely loyal to the ones they have.
Meanwhile, women have a lot of friends and we talk about each and every one of them. Not out of mean-spiritness, we just like to dissect human nature in great detail and usually over a glass of wine – or as men call it, Gossip. It's what girls do – thoughtlessly and without repercussion. We talk about our friends, your friends, our enemies, your enemies. We just talk because if we didn't, what else is there to say? Apparently, my ex did not appreciate these analyses of mine, particularly when it concerned his buddies. And no matter what I said, even if I was without a doubt right (obviously), he had his friends' back. Finally, one day he confronted me and said that I don't like any of his friends and that I think I'm above everyone. I was taken aback, of course I liked his friends. “Oh really? Because you've had something bad to say about all of them.” Bad?? No, that was just the truth. But men don't talk about their friends that way. It was a moment of growth for me that maybe I don't need to verbalize every psychological assessment I deduce, even if I mean no harm by it, and even more, maybe I could cut people a little more slack…live and let live… at least until I'm back in the comfort of my gossipy girlfriends again. Phew, that'll be a relief.
6. Men hate when you fish for compliments.
Quit nodding like you already knew this, I guarantee if you have a man in your life, you still do it. Even if you don't realize you're doing it. But he realizes you're doing it and it's slowly, annoyingly grating under his skin. I thought I was being cute and flirty when I would sashay out of my room, put my hand on my hip, lift my eyebrows and ask past boyfriends, “Do I look good?” But not just one, but two of them told me I was stealing their thunder. It was the only time Dave The Texan ever got mad at me when he suddenly went off, “I want to give you a compliment because I feel like giving you a compliment, because I came up with it! I hate that you always ask first, that you never give me a chance to do it.” Damn, I thought I was being sassy and lovable but apparently, I was “c-blocking” them. Compliment Blocking.
5. If you're looking for the marrying kind, men are worthless below the age of 30.
Now I can only speak for LA since obviously the rest of the country does marry before the age of thirty but here, where it's okay to delay your adolescence as long as possible, a marriage-minded single girl best skew upwards when husband-hunting. A man in LA in his twenties is not looking to settle down and as long as you keep dating younger guys, you'll keep finding yourself flipping a bitch in the same cul-de-sac. If you want a man who has done the scene and is ready to appreciate you and take on the next life stage, target thirty somethings. Besides, there is nothing sexier than a man in his thirties – it's the age when boys become men and who can beat that?
4. A man wants to miss you. So quit hovering and do something cool.
In a lot of ways, I think I'm more like a guy than a girl. Not in any weird biological ways, I'm all girl there – I'm just very independent (like a Beyonce song). And I think because I don't fill the stereotypical female role, my boyfriends have typically ended up stepping in to fill it in a way. They're always the ones to initiate the “So, what are we…?” talk and the follow-up “Let's be Exclusive” talk and all the other talk-talks that make me squirmish… I learned in tenth grade when I told Will Hawthorne that we should keep seeing other people that the more independent you are, the more a man wants you. It's a conquerer / want-what-you-can't-have thing. I know, I know, no one wants to play games – why can't you just be with the one you love? – but guess what, ClingOn – Even an 80-year-old couple knows that in order to keep the mystery alive, you still gotta give him a little somethin' to chase. So give a man breathing room, have your own life, fill it with phenomenal things and let him want you. Believe me, he'll want you all the more for it.
3. If you want to get approached, break into two's.
But wait, you think three women is the perfect amount. It leaves two girls to talk with each other if a guy's hitting on the third. But a guy will much more likely approach two girls than three. It's like a predator waiting for the prey to break from the pack. Since men have learned that girls rarely separate entirely at a bar even for a bathroom break, a guy knows two is about as close as he's going to come to getting you alone. And if you go in a group of four or more, you are basically asking for a night of just enjoying each other's company- which is fine if that's what you're looking for, Sex and the City. A giant mob of women is intimidating for a guy to take on. Of course there are exceptions, as there is to everything on this list, like if you're awesome at sex eyes you can lure anyone in, or if a gentleman happens to have a similar amount of wingmen in his group to approach you all with, it might work out. But if you want to raise your chances, take it from me and stray from the pack.
2. Frequently when a male ends a serious relationship, he's already been silently withdrawing for a long time so by the time you realize there's a problem, it's already too far gone.
As Number Ten and Seven suggest, men don't feel the need to communicate everything. Typically, if a woman has a problem in a relationship, she lets her guy know over and over again. He's very clear where he stands. But men are often more subtle in what's going on emotionally with them. The warning signs are still there when you look back on your disassembled relationship but women are frequently more taken by surprise when their guy walks out versus the reverse. She doesn't realize how much is wrong until it's too late. This doesn't just happen with the macho strong silent types, even the loving, sweet emo guys can pull the rug out from under you. So, that's why it's important to keep up with your Relationship Maintenance Program – don't wait 'til it's broke to fix it… because if you do, you may never be able to put it back together again.
And the Number One Things You Should Know About Men? Drumroll, please…
1. They're kinda incredible – even if they run on a totally different operating system than us.
They know how things work, like cars; they're impressively generous and smart and funny and when the chemistry lines up with just the right person, *sigh* there's no feeling like it.
And here's one more just for fun…
Heterosexual men are incapable of smiling in their Drivers' License.
I don't know why they all have to look like they just killed a man. It's a weird pact that all straight men seemed to have made with each other. Maybe they don't want to roll up to a nightclub and show the bouncer some giddy, toothy photo of themselves. A dude might not get let in for something like that. So maybe this shouldn't be listed under Things You Need To Know About Guys but no one would read my Ten Things I Found Hilarious When Drunk Last Night list, would they? If you say yes by the way, I've got that list waiting… if I can find it.
And THAT my friends, is my thirty sense.