There’s movie sex and then there’s real world sex. Sometimes if you’re drunk enough, hot enough or in love enough, the two can overlap… but for the most part, the first few times are filled with thoughts like, “God, I hope he’s not looking at my ass right now. Oh shit, he is. What’s he thinking? He thinks I have a long ass. Crap, what do I do, what do I do?” Or, “Wow, he sure has a lot of moles… He should get that big one checked out.”
And before you reach that wonderful point where you’re intensely comfortable with each other, you have to face some of those inevitable first embarrassing bedroom moments together – like Boyfriend’s First Fart or Girlfriend’s First Forgot-To-Shave-Armpits — you know all the firsts that people don’t make a cute album about but we all inevitably face. And in the end bring you closer. Well, hopefully.
I’ve compiled a list of the top five from my friends who have kindly shared their embarrassing bedroom moments with me.
5. To Poo or Not To Poo - That is the question.
“It was early morning and nature called. And let’s just say it was leaving multiple voicemails. The problem was that my bathroom’s only a few feet from the bed where my new guy was sleeping. I quietly closed the bathroom door and contemplated my options. Do I turn on the shower as a decoy? No, that’d be weird – then I’d actually have to shower. I couldn’t turn the music on. I considered leaving the apartment in search of a toilet but I couldn’t make it that far. Ready or not, it was coming. I started doing the multi-flush and coughing and crinkling a plastic sack at the same time. Six courtesy flushes later, I finally emerged and he was smiling and asks, ‘Get it all out?’”
4. Haired Straight
“It was our first time to have morning sex – with the harsh sunlight pouring in and no beer goggles, we were unavoidably aware just how pale and freckly we both are. I pulled the covers up for some shading. He suddenly gets a big goofy grin and points at my chest and teasingly says, “What’s that?” I look down and see a giant hair that has sprouted out of my nipple. And it had brought friends. I screamed – it was as if they all just popped up over night. But then I pointed out a corkscrew hair growing out of his shoulder mole and we both died laughing.”
3. Queen LaQueefa
“It was only my second time to have sex so I wasn’t really experienced. He was standing and he pulled me to the edge of the bed. I knew there was a problem the moment it happened. My vagina had just gulped up a giant breath of air. I knew what was coming, I just didn’t know when or how to stop it. He flips me over and suddenly, like a hot air balloon that you just let the air out of as it flies around the room – that’s what my vagina sounded like. It was as if it wouldn’t stop. He sat there in stunned silence before he goes… “Okay, well, um…” and flips me back over. ‘Let’s try a different position.’”
2. Fallen Trojan
“After my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, he looked down and realized the condom was gone. We start searching the bed for it, between the cracks, frantic, where could it be? Finally, we realize it’s still inside me. So much for safe sex. I ran to the bathroom and tried to remove it but couldn’t find it. I had to leave for an event or I was going to be late. So I left and had to walk around for four hours with this thing still inside me. I was terrified I was going to get Toxic Shock Syndrome and die and the paramedics would tell my parents they found a used condom in their daughter’s vagina. What would my gravestone even say? Right after the event, I raced back to his apartment. I had to lie down in bed as he tried to fish it out of me. He started joking he was going to get pliers and a miner’s hat. Reminder – this is the first time he’d ever had sex with me and he was now more acquainted with my vulva then I was. For the next half hour, he carefully poked inside like some pseudo-gynocologist before he finally gripped the slippery run-away and removed it.”
1. Looks Like You’ve Got A Case of The Monthlies
“I started dating this new guy and for some reason, I turned into the biggest klutz around him. He started calling me “Murphy,” because everything that could go wrong, did. First, I spilled red wine on his new carpet. Then, he got in an accident with me in his new car. A week later I got sick and threw up in this same car. We were sure our streak of bad luck had run its course so he invited me over to ‘break in his brand new mattress.’ Yes, everything in his life was brand new. I came over and we started hooking up. We looked down afterwards and it was like a homicide scene. Apparently, having sex kickstarted my period. Blood was on his brand new white sheets, comforter, mattress. Needless to say, he couldn’t afford to keep dating me much longer.”