SHIT GUYS SAY

Okay, so with the seriously deliciously awesome “SHIT GIRLS SAY” video making the rounds, it’s pretty obvious, there’s a big difference in the way men and women communicate. Totes OMG, am I right? Statistically, women say three times more words a day then men. If you’re a guy, you’re probably thinking, “That explains a lot.” I guess this is why when a guy loses interest, he just disappears. He’s only allotted so many words a day, he can’t afford to waste any. We're so much more communicative, in fact, that the section in our brain that processes language takes up both hemispheres, while men typically only process language in one.  When I told my guy friend this, he said that’s because their brains are so much more efficient.

I told him if that’s true, it’s only so they can spend more time picturing boobs.

But maybe he has a point. In the time it took me to write that paragraph, a guy might have condensed it to: “Me, Man. Talk Little.” And then thought about Mila Kunis naked.

But it’s not just us ladies who have branded our own language worthy of a YouTube video gone viral. Guys have plenty of Men’isms all their own:

1. “Bullshit, dude.”

2. “Are you fucking serious?”

3. “I’ve got him on my fantasy team.”

4. “I swear to God, the hottest chick I’ve ever seen. Her body is insane”

5. “She was totally feelin’ me, dude.”

6. “I drive better drunk.”

7. “I just took the biggest dump.”

8.  “I would destroy him.”

9. “Don’t be such a pussy.”

10. “My balls won’t stop itching.”

Then there’s the Business Guy:

1.  “I don’t have a dog in this race.”

2. “There’s no fuzz on that peach.”

3.  “You can only polish a turd so much.”

4. “You’re screwing up my financial forecast.”

5. “Our company didn’t just get a haircut, we’re undergoing chemo.”

Seriously, where do guys even pick up these sayings? Is there some Male Training Program I’m unaware of? A Masters in Boy-ology. And it transcends to any type of Man Talk, like the Surfer guy:

“I caught some sick waves, bro. Good on shore blowing right now.”

You’ll never hear me say this – ever – I don’t even know what that means. My Party-Boy ex and his roommate

s love to jump around and exclaim, “Titties!!!” for no reason at all.  The word just brings them sheer glee. If I did this in front of my girlfriends, they’d disown me.

And the way we describe a first kiss is like two totally different experiences:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGoC8FTLKSI&feature=endscreen&NR=1

It’s no wonder they say we’re from different planets. It's not just how we talk, or how we write – you can tell immediately from someone's penmanship their gender (ever met a man who writes in bubble letters?) – but it's also our social patterns. You won’t find packs of men who travel to the restroom together, or women who greet each other with the high five, grab-pull, hand around the back move. You'll see wide variations in how we even view relationships and life in general:

1. “What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the World Series.” – Dave Barry

2. Men look for love at the right time. Women look for love at any time.

3. If a guy sees a cool girl in a relationship, he thinks, “I want a girl like her.” If a woman sees a cool guy in a relationship, she thinks, “I want him.”

4. “A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.” – Proverb

5. Men have the ability to have zero brain activity and still breathe. Like watch hours of football or go fishing and be completely content. Women’s brains never stop. Which is why it drives women absolutely fucking nuts to watch a man doing nothing.

   Maybe this is why they say men are assholes. And women are crazy. Try as we may to understand each other, we're just speaking two different languages. And you can gesture and shout as much as you want, Womanese is still a foreign tongue to men, and visa versa. And some thing's inevitably just get lost in translation. But it's alright, we make it work, who doesn't like a little foreign tongue sometimes?

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” – Henry Kissinger

One last major difference between Men and Women?

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

And that's my thirty sense.